Today i am thinking about friendship...and acceptance...and what that really means...
There's an Arabian proverb that says:
"A friend is one to whom one may pour out the contents of one's heart, chaff and grain together, knowing that the gentlest of hands will take and sift it, keep what is worth keeping and with the breath of kindness, blow the rest away."
Sounds great...sounds easy...but it is anything but...Real friendship is hard, because real acceptance is hard...
We exist with notions, conceptions, ideas...we are taught right from wrong, hot from cold, good from bad...we are taught the world is made up of opposites. It either is or it isn't...and this is where education, on all fronts, fails us. We are trained to think in black and white and are surprised, shocked and confused by the many shades of gray we encounter later in life (and, wow, that gray area covers acres).
I believe that living in the world of black and white stunts us...it it shields our eyes from the richness of color that lives between. It puts us in a straight jacket...we are forever forced to simplify complicated things...and even worse to slot them into 'categories': Success/failure...kind/mean...love/hate...friend/foe...easy/hard...real/fake.
But, when we are trained to think in extremes...to see the world (and the people in it) as either/or...we miss out on the richness. We lose the gift of sight...because we see with our minds while our hearts' eyes are slowly blinded. Why...because somewhere along the way thinking and feeling become separated...they stop occurring simultaneously...they become each others antithesis...opposite ways of exploring the world...opposite ways of defining ourselves...(I think this, but I feel that...).
When we do this, however unconsciously, we become torn...confused...at odds with our own selve(s). The thinking half and the feeling half are at war with each other...this is the devil on one shoulder, angel on the other, dilemma.
So, what could this possibly have to do with friendship and acceptance...?
Acceptance is a cornerstone of any relationship...acceptance is golden...acceptance is the greatest gift we give, and receive, from each other. Acceptance allows us to explore, experience and share our true selves...every part of it...and it is in that sharing that we 'become'. Most people will tell you that no-one really knows them...that no-one has really seen deep inside them...and they feel alone in a crowded room or in the arms of their lover.
Many of us become very successful at the splitting...we embrace the 'thinker' or the 'feeler'...and shun the other. But there are a few of us that struggle...daily...to ensure both parts of our selves are honored. Those of us that do this do not walk a smooth path. We stumble and fall...we scrape up our knees...and sometimes, the people, whose hands we are holding, get dragged down with us. They end up with scrapped knees and bruised flesh. After awhile, some of them will let go of our hands and let us fall alone.
But the ones who truly love us will never let go...instead, they will hold on tighter...they will understand that we are clumsy and sometimes inept...they will understand that we have come to fear the road we are travelling on because we have fallen down too many times to count...and that many times, we have found ourselves alone, with no-one to help us up.
The ones who truly love us will hold on...they will remain by our side, waiting...patiently...while we attempt to regain our footing. They won't condemn us for our clumsiness...nor will they judge us for our fear. They accept that there are some surfaces upon which we skate gracefully, some on which we dance wildly, some on which we balance (albeit precariously at times), and some on which we stumble and fall.
And they understand that the more times they help us up, the less likely we are to fall in the future. With them, we learn the terrain...and one day...with them beside us...we will skip across that path...And they know that we will, in turn, invite them to skate gracefully, dance wildly and balance (precariously or not) right beside us. And when it is their turn to stumble and fall...we will hold on...tight...and we will wait patiently...
Together we will learn to sift through the contents...to keep what is worth keeping...and together, with gentle hands, we will lift the rest to the wind...
I dedicate this to EV: who took the time to look, in whose arms I never feel alone, and who continues to hold on...
There's an Arabian proverb that says:
"A friend is one to whom one may pour out the contents of one's heart, chaff and grain together, knowing that the gentlest of hands will take and sift it, keep what is worth keeping and with the breath of kindness, blow the rest away."
Sounds great...sounds easy...but it is anything but...Real friendship is hard, because real acceptance is hard...
We exist with notions, conceptions, ideas...we are taught right from wrong, hot from cold, good from bad...we are taught the world is made up of opposites. It either is or it isn't...and this is where education, on all fronts, fails us. We are trained to think in black and white and are surprised, shocked and confused by the many shades of gray we encounter later in life (and, wow, that gray area covers acres).
I believe that living in the world of black and white stunts us...it it shields our eyes from the richness of color that lives between. It puts us in a straight jacket...we are forever forced to simplify complicated things...and even worse to slot them into 'categories': Success/failure...kind/mean...love/hate...friend/foe...easy/hard...real/fake.
But, when we are trained to think in extremes...to see the world (and the people in it) as either/or...we miss out on the richness. We lose the gift of sight...because we see with our minds while our hearts' eyes are slowly blinded. Why...because somewhere along the way thinking and feeling become separated...they stop occurring simultaneously...they become each others antithesis...opposite ways of exploring the world...opposite ways of defining ourselves...(I think this, but I feel that...).
When we do this, however unconsciously, we become torn...confused...at odds with our own selve(s). The thinking half and the feeling half are at war with each other...this is the devil on one shoulder, angel on the other, dilemma.
So, what could this possibly have to do with friendship and acceptance...?
Acceptance is a cornerstone of any relationship...acceptance is golden...acceptance is the greatest gift we give, and receive, from each other. Acceptance allows us to explore, experience and share our true selves...every part of it...and it is in that sharing that we 'become'. Most people will tell you that no-one really knows them...that no-one has really seen deep inside them...and they feel alone in a crowded room or in the arms of their lover.
Many of us become very successful at the splitting...we embrace the 'thinker' or the 'feeler'...and shun the other. But there are a few of us that struggle...daily...to ensure both parts of our selves are honored. Those of us that do this do not walk a smooth path. We stumble and fall...we scrape up our knees...and sometimes, the people, whose hands we are holding, get dragged down with us. They end up with scrapped knees and bruised flesh. After awhile, some of them will let go of our hands and let us fall alone.
But the ones who truly love us will never let go...instead, they will hold on tighter...they will understand that we are clumsy and sometimes inept...they will understand that we have come to fear the road we are travelling on because we have fallen down too many times to count...and that many times, we have found ourselves alone, with no-one to help us up.
The ones who truly love us will hold on...they will remain by our side, waiting...patiently...while we attempt to regain our footing. They won't condemn us for our clumsiness...nor will they judge us for our fear. They accept that there are some surfaces upon which we skate gracefully, some on which we dance wildly, some on which we balance (albeit precariously at times), and some on which we stumble and fall.
And they understand that the more times they help us up, the less likely we are to fall in the future. With them, we learn the terrain...and one day...with them beside us...we will skip across that path...And they know that we will, in turn, invite them to skate gracefully, dance wildly and balance (precariously or not) right beside us. And when it is their turn to stumble and fall...we will hold on...tight...and we will wait patiently...
Together we will learn to sift through the contents...to keep what is worth keeping...and together, with gentle hands, we will lift the rest to the wind...
I dedicate this to EV: who took the time to look, in whose arms I never feel alone, and who continues to hold on...
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