a new day

today i am thinking about boundaries...
and all the spaces in between.
today i am thinking about what i want...
and what i am prepared to accept.


today i am seeing there are prices too high to pay...
and returns too low to warrant the cost.
today i am seeing how big things can shrink to small...
and how small things become epic.


today i am hearing a small voice calling out...
and the roar that threatens to silence it.
today i am hearing the song of angels...
through the drone  of disbelief.


today i am feeling my childhood slip away...
yet the girl of eight clings tightly to my skin.
today i am feeling my faith fade...
while hope lingers on.


and tomorrow is a new day... 

Brett Dennen Live

Nickels

ahh...a crazy little thing called Love...except iT isn't a little thing...

iT is Crazy...I must confess...

iT is unclear...iT is undefined...iT is vague and foreign and wispy and foggy andandand...iT is an endless list of acronyms...iT contradicts itself...iT is hyperbolic...yet understated...iT is often misunderstood and misquoted...iT is ill-defined...



I will write a poem, a song, a missive...a story, an essay, a book...on what Love means to me...perhaps if I put it in writing...place my hand upon it and swear an oath to god, the universe, the cosmic and karmic forces, mother nature, Myself...to You....If I sign my name in blood and have it notarized...perhaps then the truth of my love will be seen, heard, felt...understood, accepted and (dare I dream?) cherished...

(Ah...if wishes were nickels...)

But, the defining of iT...the written declaration of iT...the putting iT to words...while time consuming, would be the easy part.


The hard part comes when the words are read by another. We come with a host of experiences...baggage...preconceived notions...We interpret the world around us through these eyes...Eyes that see from within the circle of our lives...from within the circle of our hopes and... our fears...We are shaped and coloured...molded and painted...cornered and set free by all of our happenings...by every passing second...These experiences define us and they provide us with the means by which we then define all else...



If I sing my song of love...will it fall upon deaf ears?

If I write it in rhyme...will blind eyes gaze upon it?

If I sew it together from cloth...will numb fingers feel?

If I cook it upon my stove...will it taste bitter, or sweet?

If I bathe my soul in it's scent...will the smell attract or repel?



If I could...I would ask of you...

May I borrow your voice for a moment?...Perhaps then I could you tell you a tale using words familiar to your lips...May I borrow your ears to write you a riff that only you can hear?...Would you lend me your hands to stitch you a net big enough to capture your heart?...How about your tongue?...so that I may tickle your taste buds with the flavour of my longing...Your nose? So that I may create an aroma to sweeten your memories. And will you take from me these eyes of mine?...so that you may see into the depths of me and know of the beauty I gaze upon when I gaze upon You...


(...we would be rich)

I am sitting here...drinking ice cream...

yes, i said drinking: you see I am thirsty and drinking water, while loaded with common sense, seems sooo boring. So, while standing in front of my open fridge/freezer...i spy strawberry ice cream...*YUM*...but eating ice cream makes me thirsty...which leads me back to water...*Yawn*...

(in the midst of this i realize that the little * sign is on the number 8 key...and I think hmm...I have to remember to tell E cuz the 8 is significant...yes...i am tres ADD)

anyway...I don't want water...I don't want to be thirsty either...sooo...Eureka...put the ice cream in the microwave for 30 seconds (my microwave is very old and heats slowly) and I'll get the best of both worlds...no more thirst AND the pleasure of that strawberry cream...mmm mmm mmm...

and it hits me: as JJ has said (ps: you gotta check out 'faster than kudzu'...hilarious; thanks Lili): "My mental illness number is way high". I would be fascinated,actually, by the ramblings of my mind if it weren't MY mind...on someone else it would seem quaint...eccentric...interesting...maybe even enthralling...But boyOboy, living inside of it is exhausting!!!

Example: I'm pretty sure that when I sat down to type this...I had a point...but for the life of me...I cannot remember what it is...My time would probably be better served by writing that grocery list...but that would bring me one step closer to actually grocery shopping...and I Despise grocery shopping...I mean HATE/ABHOR/DESPISE grocery shopping...*shudder*...so that idea is out...

Hmm...maybe I should pour myself another shot of strawberry goodness and rethink my plan...(I'm pretty sure I had one...didn't I?...oh well...I'll think of it this way...with the current state of my brain, the transition into senility should be a rather painless one)

HED.08

Today i am thinking about friendship...and acceptance...and what that really means...

There's an Arabian proverb that says:

"A friend is one to whom one may pour out the contents of one's heart, chaff and grain together, knowing that the gentlest of hands will take and sift it, keep what is worth keeping and with the breath of kindness, blow the rest away."

Sounds great...sounds easy...but it is anything but...Real friendship is hard, because real acceptance is hard...

We exist with notions, conceptions, ideas...we are taught right from wrong, hot from cold, good from bad...we are taught the world is made up of opposites. It either is or it isn't...and this is where education, on all fronts, fails us. We are trained to think in black and white and are surprised, shocked and confused by the many shades of gray we encounter later in life (and, wow, that gray area covers acres).

I believe that living in the world of black and white stunts us...it it shields our eyes from the richness of color that lives between. It puts us in a straight jacket...we are forever forced to simplify complicated things...and even worse to slot them into 'categories': Success/failure...kind/mean...love/hate...friend/foe...easy/hard...real/fake.

But, when we are trained to think in extremes...to see the world (and the people in it) as either/or...we miss out on the richness. We lose the gift of sight...because we see with our minds while our hearts' eyes are slowly blinded. Why...because somewhere along the way thinking and feeling become separated...they stop occurring simultaneously...they become each others antithesis...opposite ways of exploring the world...opposite ways of defining ourselves...(I think this, but I feel that...).

When we do this, however unconsciously, we become torn...confused...at odds with our own selve(s). The thinking half and the feeling half are at war with each other...this is the devil on one shoulder, angel on the other, dilemma.

So, what could this possibly have to do with friendship and acceptance...?

Acceptance is a cornerstone of any relationship...acceptance is golden...acceptance is the greatest gift we give, and receive, from each other. Acceptance allows us to explore, experience and share our true selves...every part of it...and it is in that sharing that we 'become'. Most people will tell you that no-one really knows them...that no-one has really seen deep inside them...and they feel alone in a crowded room or in the arms of their lover.

Many of us become very successful at the splitting...we embrace the 'thinker' or the 'feeler'...and shun the other. But there are a few of us that struggle...daily...to ensure both parts of our selves are honored. Those of us that do this do not walk a smooth path. We stumble and fall...we scrape up our knees...and sometimes, the people, whose hands we are holding, get dragged down with us. They end up with scrapped knees and bruised flesh. After awhile, some of them will let go of our hands and let us fall alone.

But the ones who truly love us will never let go...instead, they will hold on tighter...they will understand that we are clumsy and sometimes inept...they will understand that we have come to fear the road we are travelling on because we have fallen down too many times to count...and that many times, we have found ourselves alone, with no-one to help us up.

The ones who truly love us will hold on...they will remain by our side, waiting...patiently...while we attempt to regain our footing. They won't condemn us for our clumsiness...nor will they judge us for our fear. They accept that there are some surfaces upon which we skate gracefully, some on which we dance wildly, some on which we balance (albeit precariously at times), and some on which we stumble and fall.

And they understand that the more times they help us up, the less likely we are to fall in the future. With them, we learn the terrain...and one day...with them beside us...we will skip across that path...And they know that we will, in turn, invite them to skate gracefully, dance wildly and balance (precariously or not) right beside us. And when it is their turn to stumble and fall...we will hold on...tight...and we will wait patiently...

Together we will learn to sift through the contents...to keep what is worth keeping...and together, with gentle hands, we will lift the rest to the wind...

I dedicate this to EV: who took the time to look, in whose arms I never feel alone, and who continues to hold on...

a bird without song

: poison...of the verbal variety...
coming from all directions...
no time to duck...
it spews forth from 'loving' mouths ...
colors my day gunmetal grey and
eats away the minutes of my mind...
it immobilizes...features become frozen...
it intrudes on the sanctity, chips away at the sacred, numbs the soul...
it is paralysis...a stillness so complete...
the curtains close...

you can't dance on leaden feet...

rage at conception

throat constricts...
making it increasingly harder to swallow
past the lump...
the burn starts...
...slowly...
the water, heavy with salt,
scalds the skin...
random droplets fall
leaving invisible scars in their wake...
the pounding increases
silencing the noise...
...darkness falls...
in the distant recesses,
there is room for one...

patience

Patience, they say, is a virtue...(did you ever notice that there are seemingly no other virtues...Have you ever heard anyone identify any other adjective as a virtue?)

If patience is the only virtue, I am afraid I may be without virtue. I often feel impatient...although I seldom display this. So is it the possession of patience that makes one virtuous or does the ability to temper one's impatience also count?

Patience defined:

The act of:

• bearing pains or trials calmly or without complaint
• manifesting forbearance under provocation or strain
• not being hasty or impetuous
• being steadfast despite opposition, difficulty, or adversity

Now...is it possible that the idea of promoting patience as a virtue was actually a form of manipulation by a privileged few? If people are bearing trials, or living with pain, or are being provoked, or are put under terrible strain, are facing adversity, opposition and difficulties...what virtue is there in patience for them? Are we asking people to suffer in silence...and if they do, we reward them by calling them virtuous? If people rail against the things that are causing pain...that are provoking them...that are testing the limits...does this make them impatient...or just fed up?

Maybe patience is not such a virtue...or maybe what is virtuous is the ability to not dwell on our own pains/trials/provocations...it is the ability to experience such things and still be able to recognize that others live with their own pains,trials and provocations and to embrace them. Maybe the virtue is in remaining compassionate and empathetic in the face of our own pain.

Maybe I do have some virtue after all; although I am impetuous (and can be hasty)...I can, and do, suck it up! I am a master of 'putting on my big girl panties' and dealing with it; I don't indulge in self pity, I try not to complain too much, and pain...well let's just say, I have a very high tolerance.

Perhaps I'll toss patience to the wind and focus on serenity instead...now there's a virtue I'd like to have!

Bullshit 1...game playing

Bullshit: it comes in a thousand varieties...a flavour of it exists for every mouth that it flows forth from. Today, I am thinking about a specific type of bullshit: the game playing variety. More specifically, head games...employed by people of all ages...people with a set agenda ; the biggest problem with these types of games is that only one person knows it is being played, at least initially. If you've ever been on the receiving end of these head games, you know that, sooner or later, we realise it is happening. BUT, we still don't know exactly what it is about...so we don't know the rules, the object of the game, or how a winner is determined. So we find ourselves engaging in an activity that is futile...it is futile because there can be no winner...it is a lose/lose proposition. My suggestion is to avoid these games...avoid them at all costs. If you believe one of these games is afoot, call the person on it...but do not play! Most games are started by people who are scared...mistrustful. What they really want is proof, reassurance, a guarantee. The majority of us have had moments when we felt a little insecure and afraid of being hurt. We want to believe what we are being told is true...we want to have faith...but we hesitate. This is all perfectly normal. The danger starts when we take those feelings and make them 'about' the other person, when we shove those feelings down and don't acknowledge them as being about ourselves. This is when the game begins...this is when it is set in motion...Those crazy normal fears twist around in the head...they consume peoples thoughts, they take over...and THEN, we 'see' things differently (or we see things that aren't even really there). We begin to 'see' the reasons for our mistrust...our insecurities...our fears. We become so consumed with it that we fail to recognize our own creation of it. Instead, we transfer it to the object of our affection...and the twist tells us that we are right to mistrust...we scrutinize every movement they make...we analyse every word they speak and every word they don't speak. We become secretive...ask loaded questions...and make conclusions (jump to them, actually) based on the responses. But...it doesn't end there...oh no...the next thing we know the 'twist' convinces us it would be a good idea to test the person...a little bit more. Time and energy is actually used setting up grand plans...intricate, detailed maneuvers...designed to put someone (remember now, this person is the alleged object of our affection...) to the test. Here's an example of an oft employed test: emotional withdrawal, the act by which we stop displaying affection and begin 'cooling off'. The idea, I think, is to put the other person in the position of 'chaser'...will they notice our coolness and counter with an excessive amount of warmth?...will this coolness make them worried they are about to lose us, and force them to realise how much we mean to them, causing an outpouring of kindness and blathering sentiment? (Now...this is when we really need to stop and think this through: I mean seriously, is it reasonable to expect a rational being to respond to a negative stimulus with a positive one? And, what are we actually doing? The idea is that we feel insecure and afraid...so we choose to employ means that will make our 'loved' one feel exactly the same way??) That said: there are times when this actually works...why? because the person being played is a player...so if you choose to test someone in this way, and they 'pass' the test...it doesn't necessarily prove what you think it does. All it really means is that they know how to play the game...(how's that for a twist?). You see, the real 'pass' to this test is recognizing the coolness, the withdrawal, and responding to it with concern for your well being (seeing it as about you)...if they assume your coolness is about them...(and act accordingly)...then they don't really see you at all...