HED.08

Today i am thinking about friendship...and acceptance...and what that really means...

There's an Arabian proverb that says:

"A friend is one to whom one may pour out the contents of one's heart, chaff and grain together, knowing that the gentlest of hands will take and sift it, keep what is worth keeping and with the breath of kindness, blow the rest away."

Sounds great...sounds easy...but it is anything but...Real friendship is hard, because real acceptance is hard...

We exist with notions, conceptions, ideas...we are taught right from wrong, hot from cold, good from bad...we are taught the world is made up of opposites. It either is or it isn't...and this is where education, on all fronts, fails us. We are trained to think in black and white and are surprised, shocked and confused by the many shades of gray we encounter later in life (and, wow, that gray area covers acres).

I believe that living in the world of black and white stunts us...it it shields our eyes from the richness of color that lives between. It puts us in a straight jacket...we are forever forced to simplify complicated things...and even worse to slot them into 'categories': Success/failure...kind/mean...love/hate...friend/foe...easy/hard...real/fake.

But, when we are trained to think in extremes...to see the world (and the people in it) as either/or...we miss out on the richness. We lose the gift of sight...because we see with our minds while our hearts' eyes are slowly blinded. Why...because somewhere along the way thinking and feeling become separated...they stop occurring simultaneously...they become each others antithesis...opposite ways of exploring the world...opposite ways of defining ourselves...(I think this, but I feel that...).

When we do this, however unconsciously, we become torn...confused...at odds with our own selve(s). The thinking half and the feeling half are at war with each other...this is the devil on one shoulder, angel on the other, dilemma.

So, what could this possibly have to do with friendship and acceptance...?

Acceptance is a cornerstone of any relationship...acceptance is golden...acceptance is the greatest gift we give, and receive, from each other. Acceptance allows us to explore, experience and share our true selves...every part of it...and it is in that sharing that we 'become'. Most people will tell you that no-one really knows them...that no-one has really seen deep inside them...and they feel alone in a crowded room or in the arms of their lover.

Many of us become very successful at the splitting...we embrace the 'thinker' or the 'feeler'...and shun the other. But there are a few of us that struggle...daily...to ensure both parts of our selves are honored. Those of us that do this do not walk a smooth path. We stumble and fall...we scrape up our knees...and sometimes, the people, whose hands we are holding, get dragged down with us. They end up with scrapped knees and bruised flesh. After awhile, some of them will let go of our hands and let us fall alone.

But the ones who truly love us will never let go...instead, they will hold on tighter...they will understand that we are clumsy and sometimes inept...they will understand that we have come to fear the road we are travelling on because we have fallen down too many times to count...and that many times, we have found ourselves alone, with no-one to help us up.

The ones who truly love us will hold on...they will remain by our side, waiting...patiently...while we attempt to regain our footing. They won't condemn us for our clumsiness...nor will they judge us for our fear. They accept that there are some surfaces upon which we skate gracefully, some on which we dance wildly, some on which we balance (albeit precariously at times), and some on which we stumble and fall.

And they understand that the more times they help us up, the less likely we are to fall in the future. With them, we learn the terrain...and one day...with them beside us...we will skip across that path...And they know that we will, in turn, invite them to skate gracefully, dance wildly and balance (precariously or not) right beside us. And when it is their turn to stumble and fall...we will hold on...tight...and we will wait patiently...

Together we will learn to sift through the contents...to keep what is worth keeping...and together, with gentle hands, we will lift the rest to the wind...

I dedicate this to EV: who took the time to look, in whose arms I never feel alone, and who continues to hold on...

a bird without song

: poison...of the verbal variety...
coming from all directions...
no time to duck...
it spews forth from 'loving' mouths ...
colors my day gunmetal grey and
eats away the minutes of my mind...
it immobilizes...features become frozen...
it intrudes on the sanctity, chips away at the sacred, numbs the soul...
it is paralysis...a stillness so complete...
the curtains close...

you can't dance on leaden feet...

rage at conception

throat constricts...
making it increasingly harder to swallow
past the lump...
the burn starts...
...slowly...
the water, heavy with salt,
scalds the skin...
random droplets fall
leaving invisible scars in their wake...
the pounding increases
silencing the noise...
...darkness falls...
in the distant recesses,
there is room for one...

patience

Patience, they say, is a virtue...(did you ever notice that there are seemingly no other virtues...Have you ever heard anyone identify any other adjective as a virtue?)

If patience is the only virtue, I am afraid I may be without virtue. I often feel impatient...although I seldom display this. So is it the possession of patience that makes one virtuous or does the ability to temper one's impatience also count?

Patience defined:

The act of:

• bearing pains or trials calmly or without complaint
• manifesting forbearance under provocation or strain
• not being hasty or impetuous
• being steadfast despite opposition, difficulty, or adversity

Now...is it possible that the idea of promoting patience as a virtue was actually a form of manipulation by a privileged few? If people are bearing trials, or living with pain, or are being provoked, or are put under terrible strain, are facing adversity, opposition and difficulties...what virtue is there in patience for them? Are we asking people to suffer in silence...and if they do, we reward them by calling them virtuous? If people rail against the things that are causing pain...that are provoking them...that are testing the limits...does this make them impatient...or just fed up?

Maybe patience is not such a virtue...or maybe what is virtuous is the ability to not dwell on our own pains/trials/provocations...it is the ability to experience such things and still be able to recognize that others live with their own pains,trials and provocations and to embrace them. Maybe the virtue is in remaining compassionate and empathetic in the face of our own pain.

Maybe I do have some virtue after all; although I am impetuous (and can be hasty)...I can, and do, suck it up! I am a master of 'putting on my big girl panties' and dealing with it; I don't indulge in self pity, I try not to complain too much, and pain...well let's just say, I have a very high tolerance.

Perhaps I'll toss patience to the wind and focus on serenity instead...now there's a virtue I'd like to have!

Bullshit 1...game playing

Bullshit: it comes in a thousand varieties...a flavour of it exists for every mouth that it flows forth from. Today, I am thinking about a specific type of bullshit: the game playing variety. More specifically, head games...employed by people of all ages...people with a set agenda ; the biggest problem with these types of games is that only one person knows it is being played, at least initially. If you've ever been on the receiving end of these head games, you know that, sooner or later, we realise it is happening. BUT, we still don't know exactly what it is about...so we don't know the rules, the object of the game, or how a winner is determined. So we find ourselves engaging in an activity that is futile...it is futile because there can be no winner...it is a lose/lose proposition. My suggestion is to avoid these games...avoid them at all costs. If you believe one of these games is afoot, call the person on it...but do not play! Most games are started by people who are scared...mistrustful. What they really want is proof, reassurance, a guarantee. The majority of us have had moments when we felt a little insecure and afraid of being hurt. We want to believe what we are being told is true...we want to have faith...but we hesitate. This is all perfectly normal. The danger starts when we take those feelings and make them 'about' the other person, when we shove those feelings down and don't acknowledge them as being about ourselves. This is when the game begins...this is when it is set in motion...Those crazy normal fears twist around in the head...they consume peoples thoughts, they take over...and THEN, we 'see' things differently (or we see things that aren't even really there). We begin to 'see' the reasons for our mistrust...our insecurities...our fears. We become so consumed with it that we fail to recognize our own creation of it. Instead, we transfer it to the object of our affection...and the twist tells us that we are right to mistrust...we scrutinize every movement they make...we analyse every word they speak and every word they don't speak. We become secretive...ask loaded questions...and make conclusions (jump to them, actually) based on the responses. But...it doesn't end there...oh no...the next thing we know the 'twist' convinces us it would be a good idea to test the person...a little bit more. Time and energy is actually used setting up grand plans...intricate, detailed maneuvers...designed to put someone (remember now, this person is the alleged object of our affection...) to the test. Here's an example of an oft employed test: emotional withdrawal, the act by which we stop displaying affection and begin 'cooling off'. The idea, I think, is to put the other person in the position of 'chaser'...will they notice our coolness and counter with an excessive amount of warmth?...will this coolness make them worried they are about to lose us, and force them to realise how much we mean to them, causing an outpouring of kindness and blathering sentiment? (Now...this is when we really need to stop and think this through: I mean seriously, is it reasonable to expect a rational being to respond to a negative stimulus with a positive one? And, what are we actually doing? The idea is that we feel insecure and afraid...so we choose to employ means that will make our 'loved' one feel exactly the same way??) That said: there are times when this actually works...why? because the person being played is a player...so if you choose to test someone in this way, and they 'pass' the test...it doesn't necessarily prove what you think it does. All it really means is that they know how to play the game...(how's that for a twist?). You see, the real 'pass' to this test is recognizing the coolness, the withdrawal, and responding to it with concern for your well being (seeing it as about you)...if they assume your coolness is about them...(and act accordingly)...then they don't really see you at all...